When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
