Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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