When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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