Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize