I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
