I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
