so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
