i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
