I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
