my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
