I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
