my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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