My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
