Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
