i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
