you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
