Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
