At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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