the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize