Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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