when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
