So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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