I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize