i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
