if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
