I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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