just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
