some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
