I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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