and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
