idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize