I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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