i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
