I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I want to fling myself into the sun
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
