got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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