So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
