and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
