so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
