I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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