my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
