i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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