We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
