Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
