Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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