I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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