woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
