I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
