I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Everclear isn't food dammit
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
