Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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