Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
