Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
