Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
