I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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