Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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