woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
