Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize